enerjinin de bir yeri ve zamani varmis. ama harcanip da nereye gidiyor, bilmiyorum.

bir zamanlar sabah erkenden kalkar derse gider, okul cikisinda spora gider, evde yemegimi yer, aksam uskudar'da bir erasmus partisine gider, saat geceyarisini gosterirken taksim'e gecer, eski dirty'nin yerine acilan gece kulubunde club bangkokculuk yapar, sonra bir klasik eve donus araci olan 110'a biner kadikoyume doner, yataga kendimi atar ve sonra sabah erkenden kalkar derse giderdim.

yuzumden gecen yollardan oku.

yurudum. yuruyunce geride biraktim sandim. cikardim ve attim her adimimda. boylece soyundum sandim kabuklarimdan. ben aslinda seni yokladim her sokak basinda, seni diledim her mum yaktigimda. saatler boyu yollara diktim gozumu, icimi disima cevirdim. her sehirde yeni bir ben oldum. ama her sehir de seni ozletti -kopenhag dahil degil.

it chooses you.

I slept at my boyfriend’s house every night for the first two years we dated, but I didn’t move a single piece of my clothing, a single sock or pair of underwear, over to his place. Which meant I would wear the same clothes for many days, until I found a moment to go back to my squalid little cave, a few blocks away. After I changed into clean clothes I’d walk around in a trance, mesmerized by this time capsule of my life before him. Everything was just as I’d left it. Certain lotions and shampoos had separated into waxy layers, but in the bathroom drawer there were still the extra-extra-large condoms from the previous boyfriend, with whom intercourse had been painful. I had thrown away some foods, but the nonperishables, the great northern beans and the cinnamon and the rice, all waited for the day when I would remember who I really was, a woman alone, and come home and soak some beans. When I finally put my clothes in black plastic bags and drove them over to his house, it was with a sort of daredevil spirit—the same way I had cut off all my hair in high school, or dropped out of college. It was impetuous, sure to end in disaster, but fuck it.
I’ve now lived in the boyfriend’s house for four years (not including the two years I lived there without my clothes), and we’re married, so I’ve come to think of it as my house. Almost. I still pay rent on the little cave and almost everything I own is still there, just as it was. I only threw out the extra-extra-large condoms last month, after trying hard to think of a scenario in which I could safely give them to a large-penised homeless person. I kept the house because the rent is cheap and I write there; it’s become my office. And the great northern beans, the cinnamon, and the rice keep the light on for me, should anything go horribly wrong, or should I come to my senses and reclaim my position as the most alone person who ever existed.

su 20 gunde cok garip yerlere basimi koydum ve garip ruyalara daldim. sevip de sevilmedim, kardesimi kurtardim, kendimi ifade etmeye calistim, baliklari selamladim.
su 20 gunde cok garip insanlarla tanistim ve garip sohbetler yasadim. dar vakitlerde insan kendisini nasil da yuzeysel sekilde tanimlayabilirmis, insan hep verici de olabilirmis, evini paylasmak bazen en makbul seymis.
su 20 gunde cok garip seyler yasadim ve garip banyolarda dus aldim. belki de ilk defa kisacik bir surede hakkimda bir kanaat verildi ve bu negatifti. ilk defa kapi disari edildim. istenmedim. ilk defa arap yarimadasindan olmadigima sukrettim.
ren geyigi eti yedim. sonra gittim boynuzlarini oksadim.
cok guzel bir canta begendim ama hicbir yerde rengini bulamadim.
cogunlukla keske ali de burda olsa dedim, onu bulunca da elini birakmadim.
ilk defa agaclarin altinda gunes isinlarini hissettim, gercek anlamda hissettim ve sanat da neymis dedim.
o parlak odada zamandan ve hayattan kopup, tum saskinligimi orada birakiverdim!
ben cok gezdim, yoruldum, anlattim, dinledim, gordum ve anladim:
yasamak, bu..